Hxdream

She said to love myself and I thought, “I am, I totally love myself, she doesn’t know what she’s talking about!”

I would love myself when it was me and myself but when I would get into a relationship or date around all  of them left me feeling unsatisfied or unhappy.

The issue for me was that I would get into these situations and completely forget to continue my relationship with myself. When I would stop loving myself and forget of me, Heidi that is when the relationship with this other person would end.

So I will start with the end. The end to all of the my up with my downs & the end to my unhealthy relationships.

After my last relationship, I reflected & took some time to think, “what am I missing?”

That was when the process started.

Step 1 : Write

I started to write, I wrote my heart out. My writing always started with, well if I just had this then I would be happy or it’s not my fault it’s so and so’s fault but that was the key in writing. Its the Bullshit.

When you write, your true thoughts come out. When you write with no filter, you can read what you are actually delusional about.

This went on for a couple weeks. I would cry and write.

Then I read what I wrote. At first it seemed strange, I would read what I was saying and it seemed as though that I was reading a younger version of me. A young, heartbroken, immature version of me. I would feel the pain and acknowledged this little girl who was feeling these things within me.

Then, it started to hit me.

I was complaining a ton and continuously blaming in my writing. I would read my rants and then I realized, girl the problem isn’t anything other than you. I was playing victim in my writing and trying to point the figure to everything outside of me.

When you play victim you aren’t able to fix the situation of what your repeating patterns are. Thus bringing the same situations back into your life.

Step 2: Analyze

So I started to analyze my writing. Analyze the common denominator. What is it that always gets you in the same situation? What is it that keeps bringing you back down to starting all over again?I decided to analyze what exactly all my relationships had in common.

When I built my happiness within me my confidence always radiated and people were drawn to this, it attracts others to want to be around you. This was great with friends and family but then that guy would come along.

For a good amount of time it would be amazing. In the beginning things are always great until a certain point. So what was the common denominator that I found in all my relationships that would make them all take a turn? LIES. I realized once I found a lie, I became insecure and insecurity led to me being unhappy.

I would catch a lie and once someone lied to me I would never be the same.

So I asked myself WHY ? I went further, it had to do a lot with my childhood (this would be another story another time). I had deep trauma and pain from my past. When I analyzed all this down to the root it was like bam bam bam, all these doors started to open. I realized exactly what and why this would happen.

A light bulb went off.

These are the things I am still dealing with from my childhood.

Why is this important? Remember in blog right before this one I wrote that love is the most important thing to happiness, Self Love & that all other love that is with a partner or friends are just a bonus that adds to your happiness. Well my relationships with my dating life was not a bonus it was a minus.

Writing & then analyzing my writing allowed me to reflect and catch patterns. It helped me understand things at a different level and see what I was replaying and projecting. Discovering when things would take a left turn allowed to to find deeper answers thus leading me to a feeling of freedom.

Step 3 : FORGAVE

Forgive who? Yourself. You have to acknowledge that there was no wrong or right. There is only growth.

It was important for me to give myself a hug and say,

” I forgive you. I forgive you because you are an amazing soul and those points in your life happened through ignorance, through immaturity, and through not understanding yourself completely and fully.”

I forgave myself for all the heartbreaks I had caused on myself. I had to forgive myself for all the times I put others first and for not taking care of me.

I won’t go into all the detail about everything I forgave myself about but I will say this, the moment after I did this it was after a workout, I was showering and this wave of emotions came over me, the emotions were very mixed. It was happiness and a bit of sadness. I crouched down to my knees, I embraced myself and thought, YOU ARE AMAZING INCREDIBLE AND FINALLY YOU HAVE FOUND ME.

It was such an intense moment for me. But I was in love. In love with the process of loving me.

1. Write

2. Analyze

3. Forgive

It seems so basic but I know that this is just the beginning of my journey of discovering happiness within me.