Hxdream

This grief is taking over my mental state, emotional and physical body. The tears come up once these particular questions are asked :

“What if I never get to be of service?”

That very question that got asked within my own mind brought immense sadness. Why is this such a deep wound? 

“How are you doing?”

Is another triggering question for me. Angered by the audacity to be asked is what I think (ego). Why do I feel so threatened by this simple question? Yet I know I yearn to answer this to those who can see through me. 

An emotional wave comes over me at the thought of being honest to answer this question. Tears flood my eyes at the thought of sharing any part of the burden. 

I don’t dare to let the “asleep” in; as most the response is drawn from the programs of the current world leading to a cluttered state.

Since this rift and shift of going back into the consciousness of my ex partner. I have been left on a new quest of re-discovering.

Parts of me is trying to re-awaken myself. I can not help but wonder if parts of me have fallen back asleep feeling stuck in between. Like sleep paralysis which I experienced a fair share of and still do. It’s been challenging, uncomfortable and a deep knowing that I am not in the space I will be. 

It’s a deep contradiction to know that I am not where I will be but exactly where I need to be to transcend whatever this vibrational realm is. 

Shame? 

Possibly the overwhelming disappointment that I chose to walk through the same situation is what holds me captive. This feeling that I have brought shame into my life.

Shame carries a vibration that is very hard to express or even wanting to express. I hold immense judgements on it.

How could I have let myself fall back into a conditioned world? To allow the ego take over?

Those are the criticizing thoughts I carry inside and only here do I dare to be honest & transparent.

Hard on myself? Very much! I am aware of the fact that I am and currently fighting my ego in being able to even give myself grace. 

Thankfully the ones around me have been allowing me grace and I feel very undeserving of it. 

Stuck in the contradiction of the mind and soul.

It does not help knowing this and yet dealing with the programs that are possibly back onto my software.

This feels like being awake & asleep.

At least when one is fully un-aware of the truth one i able to play & cling onto being a victim.

When you read of Spiritual Awakenings I remember reading about the dark night of the soul and thinking at that time; “maybe I bypassed that whole part?” I only remember the bliss of my awakening those initial 3 months. Even a sad feeling was experienced with so much joy.

So I sit here wondering, is this the dark night? Whatever this is, this is not fun. It is complete psychosis. 

Unable to fully engage, I have to tread discerningly as my ego self wants to run into full action. 

Have you noticed the shift in energy as I write?

………

This is the current state and the things unexpressed expressed through writing. I am aware that this too shall pass and a greater understanding will drop in once I have cleared the limiting egoic- self but till then I am in this process.