Hxdream

I was having a major trauma response my whole life and I didn’t even realize it.

I sit here with such gratitude to be able to write this post only because a major healing came from living, experiencing and working through what I am about to share.

Trauma must be in layers?

When we heal one aspect of ourselves we start the journey and quest of finding other aspects within ourselves that have been uncovered in the dark ready for the light to come through.

I was having such a charged trauma response and it was finally time to face what was happening in my body and release the fear, the judgement and change the perspective.

I recently took on a position with some incredible beings aligned with so many aspects of what I value & love in life.

I was given a task to help with & I was ready to go however I soon found myself overshot with fear.

I had no idea how to go about assisting. The want, desire, and need to be perfect at the task created oversight & careless mistakes.

I bumped into a rock (mistake) tripped but was able to get up and keep walking even though I felt the pain (trauma) in my toe.

I then found myself beating myself up in my head to then become hyper-stressed so when it came down to doing something very simple I found myself making another careless mistake. The pile up of mistakes just took me down emotionally.

I was over the edge & over-whelmed with emotional pain and had to call my friend and just told her:

” I wan’t to be seen. I wan’t people to know I make mistakes, I have flaws and I am not perfect.”

As I was saying this I realized that my ego needed to hear it first but I was also saying this to my mom as my 6 year old self. As soon as I recognized it I broke down crying .

The mistake that could of cost me my life

When I was about 7, I was at a store called Fed-Co with my mom. We were at the checkout line & I saw a chapstick that I wanted so I took it and stuck it down my pants.

Little did I know a security officer had caught me in the act and went to my mom as we were about to exit to tell her. Leaning into her ear she had told her what I had done.

My mom then confronted me shocked & in that moment I lied to her, ” No, I didn’t take it”

The lady then told her where I had placed the chapstick and my mom checked my pants & found it.

She was so ashamed and embarrassed her 7 year old kid had just lied to her in front of some stranger of course she felt responsible. She took me home & on the drive home she let me know ” I am going to kill you!”

When we got home I got beat to where I you could see the black and blue. That was the first time I had gotten punished that severely. My sister till this day remembers how swollen I was the next day.

I remember the kids asking when they saw me at school, “what happened to your face?” All the blood vessels in my face were popped from the amount of smacking I had received on my cheeks. My sister and I was instructed to tell everyone that I had fell off my bike.

My mom knew no better. She did what she was taught. After finding that I had stolen something and lied to her on top of that she wanted to ensure that I never made that mistake again.

I had become traumatized by my mistakes that day. Fast forward to 33 years even after, I thought I was healed from this, until today as I laid paralyzed by the mistakes I was making at work.

Thankfully, with a bit of common sense & a friend who was able to hold space for me, I was able to work through the trauma in that moment. My friend had helped me recognize I was being too hard on myself. Of course I was going to make mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes when they are just starting off at something.

Of course I was going to make mistakes as a child. Mistakes are necessary, they are meant to be learned from but instead I froze from them. I had to remind myself that my growth was only going to happen with experiences.

They say trauma gets stored in the body and stays there until you heal it. I had been carrying around that terrifying moment in my body for a good portion of my life. I never wanted to make a mistake & if I did it felt like I was going to die because in a sense I almost did. My body was living in the past every time the trigger of mistakes showed up.

Being able to recognize, observe, and work through the moment that I was having my trauma response was very crucial to start releasing the stored trauma. The crying and speaking through it to my friend helped to start reprocessing the shame and guilt from that time.

As I was experiencing my past in the present moment my friends voice was able to guide and redirect me out of my trauma.I am sure there is more work to be done and conversations to be had but for now I feel so much lighter about things.

After processing with my friend I felt a shift. My brain made a new path way as I worked through the pain. I developed a new relationship with mistakes.I believe I created a new neural pathway  and reprogramed myself into knowing that mistakes are safe to make again. .

Part 2 of this will be shared soon & it really is about Trauma Responses.

Hope you got some gems out of this.

Trauma is not easy to re-live or sit through.

It feels so very real & to others looking in they may not get what’s happening but if you are experiencing paralyzing or overwhelming responses to a situation that seems to be triggering you, do your best to stay calm.

Observe how you’re feeling and breath through it. If you have a good friend who can help support you through your experience do call them but if you don’t I find that journaling can really be great.

If you find yourself experiencing a lot of trauma responses, consider working with a trauma therapist. I know it may seem far fetched or you may be resistant but you matter.

Your healing is the worlds healing so start getting the help you feel aligned to get with.

Sending you support and love through your healing journey, speak soon!