Hxdream

I struggled with this for a large portion of my life.

The divide of who I am or able to be and how people perceived me.

Being Half Nicaraguense and 1/2 Korean was not an easy task to navigate as I grew into my teen years.

The divorce that happened when I was 9 would make that impact so much harder as I found myself more one way then the other depending on which parent I was spending time with.

I felt like bricks would get piled on this challenge when my mom made a move into the city where the divide of race was impact-fully noticed. I was ridiculed by both sides since I didn’t look fully one way or fully the others.

…of course there were those who were always surprised when they found out I was half their race and could speak the language fluently. Yet the kids were not accepting of this and would try to tell me that I wasn’t either hispanic or that I wasn’t korean.

I will always remember having to fight to prove this.

I was a true tale of the ugly duckling.

I struggled with this very deeply, I know my mind did and it didn’t help that my parents didn’t understand how damaging it was when they would talk about each others nationalities in a degrading way in front of me and my sisters.

I mean they had no attachments to the others race but I as their daughter was starting to hate parts of me due to do.

I tried really hard to figure out where I fit in through out my life.

I truly didn’t feel like I fitted in any where.

Speaking Spanish and Korean also does something to our minds. They have done studies with children that can speak multiple languages and their minds word differently.

For example they are better problem solvers, they can come up with solutions quickly, this may have to do with being able to see the world in multi-colors.

Being fluent in Spanish & Korean growing up helped open up my worlds. I didn’t see things one way, I would see things so many different ways & some would feel threatened by that while others would think I was crazy.

My parents were both from a lineage of trauma.

My grandpa was from North Korea and fled to South Korea when the war in 1050 broke. He was the only one out of this family that escaped North Korea and he suffered emotionally & mentally due to this.

My grandpa passed away over 10 years ago while I was going through my mental challenges but reflecting now as I write this, I wished I asked him more about his child hood.

My grandpa never saw a therapist or got help for this trauma that would impact him and his family for the rest of his life.

That trauma was then brought into my moms life and then down to mine as I witnessed my grandpas unstable emotions.

I remember as a 5 year old child watching shows that would leave me so heart broken. It was a South Korean show that would go find and reunite families that got to escape North Korean and their reunion would bring me to my knees crying.

I remember after watching those episodes I would always think to myself how one day I would get my grandpa on that show so he can reunite with his mom, dad, brothers and sisters.

Sadly this never happened and I pray that my grandpas is now finding his peace of what transpired in his life.

On my dad side his family fled Nicaragua in 1980 when the war in Nicaragua broke out.

A communist regime named the “Sandonistas” took over the government. They were a facist, marxist group who took all the wealth of the people into their hands. They took my grandpas wealth and tried to force my dad and his brothers into war. The devastation forced my dads family to cross the boarders into the states luckily by the grace of God, my grandpas was in connection with someone from the US embassy and got his first two eldest son and daughter into the states legally so that they could help bring over the rest of the family.

This trauma devastated my dads family and till this day they suffer from their own mental and emotional challenges never really talking about those days or truly talking to one another.

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Is it a blessing or a curse for me to have this experience in life? I feel deeply and believe I always have (which many can consider as soft) so all these experiences that my family lived through, I can feel through me.

I feel like there’s so much I should be doing with my life due to my position in life but my own personal mental blocks have challenged me, distracted me with being able to move forward in a bigger way and it does not help just knowing this.

So… I write this blog because not that long ago Miss Universe winner was Nicaragua and so many emotions flooded me. The win sparked un- resolved emotions in me because as I share about her and share about how proud I am of her representing the people of Nicaragua I wasn’t sure if I was allowed to include myself and all those feelings of not belonging flooded back for me.

So I stop this share here. I just wanted to get this all down in writing and hope that I can do more with what I know deeper in my heart that the seed of my birth was all for a purpose and greater meaning.

-Amen