Hxdream

I’ve been reading this book by Vienna Pharaon called “The Origins Of You” (shout out to Hellè Weston for recommending & loaning me the book).

If you want to understand generational patterns and how sabotaging habits form I would highly recommend reading this book.

The cover shares – ” How Breaking Family Patterns Can Liberate the Way We Live and Love“

This book has been such a great read!

I can see my entire family story playing out as I dive into each chapter and with each chapter the topics got deeper.

If I am being transparent some of the reading was uncomfortable as it had me acknowledging & confronting things I had for so long pushed away.

Things that were done to me but also things I have done .

However….

This blog share is acknowledging my first experience of feeling betrayed by Love.

Growing up my parents were the apple to my eye.

They were at that young age like Gods to me, they could do no wrong, have no wrongs, and be no wrong.

My parents were my first experience to love.

They made me feel safe & protected as a little girl. To give some context of age range I would like to say from birth – 5 years of age.

My parents took me and my sister on many road trips, theme parks, family functions and having family celebrations at our own home barbecuing, swimming in our pool, which were probably the best memories.

My environment was safe.

However..

It would be around the ages of 6 and onward that the dynamic between my parents would shift and the energy of the home would change.

– Maybe there was always underlining issues that I was not fully aware of till being in the cross fires of my parents fighting?

I would witness intense fights breaking out that would involve me calling the cops, my mom hiding in my sisters closet or locking herself away taking a bottle to her wrist to end her life.

It was verbal and physical

reflecting now I know that I was feeling confused, unsure, and scared frantically running back and forth begging for my parents to stop, crying from the pain of watching them fight, but they never stopped.

They didn’t care that we were looking or that we were around – I didn’t matter in those moments. We didn’t matter…

Soon after my mom gave birth to my younger sister my parents divorced due to my dads infidelity and my mom being unable to take anymore. I was 9 by the time the divorce was in motion and my world had completely changed.

My mom projected all her pain onto me and my older sister by yelling at us, taking things out physically on us, oversharing things that I feel like no child should have to hear about their dad.

This ultimately manifested in me growing older as insecurity, uncertainty, and fear which all projected onto my relationships through adult hood.

My very first experience of feeling all these feelings of CHAOS was when I first witnessed the two people I loved the most, who I held so highly in my heart going after one another. – crushing my spirit and heart.

This was the dismantling of my whole world of feeling safe.

If you can relate to this experience or are dealing with insecurities in your life I encourage you to look within.

Although this was all unfortunate experiences that shaped much of my teenage and young adult life, I sit here writing this today at the age of 34 in such a different place.

I am happy and free from most of all that stuff that once plagued me as a child.

You can cultivate Love within you.

You can cultivate safety, security and calm.

It all comes from within you and once you have built that foundation within you, you will find that all of it was always within you … LOVE was always you.

Sending you immense love and gratitude for reading, being and journeying on through this blog!