Hxdream

We were all in a car together.

My dad was returning to his homeland with my brother and to accompany him my sister decided to go back with them for a few weeks.

Homeland for my dad is Nicaragua.

A little before the pandemic my dad started to take frequent long trips to Nicaragua and once the pandemic hit he chose to stay out there only to return when he needed his doctor check ups.

Last year October (’23) my dad had to return longer than he wanted for open heart surgery but once he felt healed it was time for him to get back to his farm and another 1 way ticket was booked.

We were all in the car together.

I was along for the ride just to give them a lift to LAX.

The ride was short, about 15 minutes and as we approached the departing signs I knew it was time to say goodbye & this goodbye felt more permanent.

That 15 minute ride was the first time I got to experience my dad in his calm state. It was a ride where we were all present with each other.

I got out of the car to bid him farewell and give him a big hug.

I simply told him ” please take care of yourself.”

Why do I write this blog?

….because I realized that when I was saying bye I was saying bye to my real dad. The dad that was buried under his addiction.

I hadn’t “seen” my dad for over 30 years. Since the age of 5.

Since after that age my dad started turning to alcohol a bit more frequently and as I approached my teenage & young adult life, he was a full- blown functioning alcoholic.

As I sat on my kitchen floor today I was flooded by tears.

These tears were tears from the 5 year old me.

The me that would jump up with overwhelming excitement to see my dad after a long days of him being away at work. The me that would sit on his lap every night as he enjoyed his dinner. The me who deeply loved my dad & the me that yearned for that dad.

I don’t know when I’ll “see” my dad again & I don’t mean in a physical sense like we never know when we will die. I mean, I don’t know if the dad that I see next time will be the functioning alcoholic.

In that car ride, no one was on their phones. We were a family unit, chatting, laughing, and just happy.

Technology has taken so much of our time from being with one another, being in the presence of someone you love without the need to be filled by a tv program, computer game or social media.

Presence is the biggest gift you can give one another & a new thing that is taking the place of being able to be with another is our addictions to technology. Our inability to now live without them. Our need to be filled by them and not one another. . .

In a world filled with technology people no longer know how to be –

Sending big love as you read this blog that hopefully got to fill your cup a bit.

Reminding you to cherish those you do have in your life, give them your presence, find ways to truly be with one another and spend more quality time with each other than you do on your devices.