Hxdream

I’m going to go pretty deep and be very raw in this….

Breakthrough. The one where you realize. The universe just taught us something, “finally I have come to realize…”

When I was young, I loved my parents as if they were my Gods. I didn’t know the back story of what was really going on but all I felt was love for them regardless & always feeling complete.

My dad had many nights where he came home late from ” work” so when I did get to see him I would always sit on his lap as he ate my mom’s late night dinners.

I would pop right up on his lap and be so thrilled.

My mom would always shout ” get off Heidi, your dads tired,” as my dad cut her off  “no, it’s OK, I love to have my little Heidi-ta.” ( my nickname that he made for me )

(For those who don’t know my dads full Hispanic Nicaragua and my mom’s full Asian Korean, both immigrants)

I didn’t understand the fights when I was younger nor bothered paying attention to them. I don’t think we ever understand when we are just little kids. I thought it was normal.

I grew up in an amazing neighborhood with every house hold having kids around my age or older. I always called my childhood  “A Disney life.” Gorgeous home, pool, friends, and parents!

As time went on and I was growing older the fights were more apparent and my dad was barely around.

Then, one day the fights got explosive and that one day ended up being the last day of my “Disney Life”  It was the turning point of my life.

I hid under the kitchen table as the cops arrived. I remember the night to the T.

My dad was drunk and I was too scared to ask him to cut a mango for me (I know, what? a mango).

I went upstairs to ask my sister and she was already in a mood so she screamed for me to leave her alone.  My dad’s heard her and barged upstairs yelling at me “don’t you dare yell in this house ” and then my mom came out of the bedroom and from there it was yelling and physical fighting.

It happened so fast but I just remember yelling and pleading to please stop and my mom shouted, ” Heidi, call the cops.”So I did, I didn’t know,I just did.

I was nine at that time.

My life changed after that night.

I grew up, my older sister disliked the world and my younger sister was born with downsyndrome & my mom was suddenly a single mom.

As time passed I started learning the backstory. My mom confided in me.

Why ?

I think it was because she had too much pride to tell the full story to her friends or family so the stories unfolded to me.

My dad was and is a functioning alcoholic. He was unfaithful many times. When my mom had my younger sister she decided she would take no more, that night the night that I will never forget was her last straw.

I blamed myself for that night for many years after the event but later to learn that on that night my mom had overheard my dad on the phone with another woman. So the pot was boiling.

I stopped seeing my dad for a long time after hearing these stories. I was upset, hurt, and mostly felt abandoned with a huge sense of betrayal.

He didn’t try either. He never called on any of my birthdays or holidays, he never told me he loved me, so I blurred it out.

Fast forward 15 years, I got accepted to the University of California Riverside. My sister convinced me to live with my dad during my school years because it would be a wise decision for me financially.

You know that saying” time heals everything” is semi-true in my opinion. The anger and hurt never healed but over time I became numb and had forgotten. Because I had forgotten I decided to take my sister’s advice.

I ignored my dad that first year. It was awkward and silent. I didn’t know the man anymore.

The second year I would say “hi” and “bye.” It eased the awkwardness. & in that second year he almost died. His lungs had filled up with fluid and he was gasping for air.

I was the one who took him to the hospital. Seeing him fighting for his life brought back all those thoughts of anger and hurt. I thought, “wait, no you can’t die I’m still upset & you don’t even know why. I still have a lot to throw at you. You were shitty. A fucking shitty role model, you let all this happen. YOU BROKE MY HEART.”

He ended up having open heart surgery and recovered from his near death moment. When he was back home I ignored him again.

During that time I was going through a breakup and my mom and I grew distant. I was really alone but this time I was mature enough to sort through it. So I did.

I grew spiritually into a different women. I analyzed a lot and set focus on what I wanted in life. From sorting and growing I slowly became at peace with myself.

I started to get to know my dad again.  My sister and I had a couple of conversations. When we had conversations about her dad she would tell me, “dads just different. He’s from a poor country and grew up with different morals (if any). You can’t blame him. You still have him in your life, ” and I knew she was right.

So after, I decided okay, I’ll try! So I forgave him.

I started to ask questions like how his day was. Soon our small conversation turned into real ones. We didn’t get back to having a close relationship but we were in each other’s life again.

Fast forward to today just a year after all this, I realize that I have I have lots of love for my dad. Even though he’s not a great example of a man, he’s my dad. He was the dad that I was once thrilled to spend time with when I was a little kid. He is the reason why I am who I am today. I am more than proud and happy with myself and I owe that confidence to him.

When all this hit me I texted him.

“I’m really lucky and happy to have you in my life. I’m also proud of you dad. ” He replied, “thank you”.

After I cried.

I wrote that and realized all along I had missed my dad. Yes, it’s different now. I’m old enough to know all his flaws and mistakes but at the end of the day I still had my dad and to hold a grudge and resent him for what he did to my mom would be missing out on the possibilities of a relationship with the man that I call dad. At the end, every girl needs her dad and those who are fortunate to still have a dad in their lives should know, there are no reasons for daddy issues. There is every reason to be grateful for being the amazing individual you are because your heart breaks are what has built you to be who you are today.”

Thank you .